The Warrior

I never thought this would happen to me. It was really a weird experience. Looking back, I really don't know quite what to say about it. But I suppose it'll make more sense from the beginning.

It was a Monday. Mondays are OK, usually, and this one was no exception. I had just wrapped up work, and I was headed home. I needed to drop by the store and get things to make dinner. I was really looking forward to dinner, as there were a few people coming over, including this girl I had been trying to get to know, though that is really neither here nor there.

Anyway, I went in to the store, and I started to pick up things: a couple of bell peppers, an onion, some chicken, tortillas. Everything I needed to make chicken tacos. I was on my way over to get the last element, cheese, when I noticed something odd. There was someone standing by the cheese, not really doing anything, just standing. Not looking, not shopping, not even holding a basket. Just standing. I thought about it for a moment, and decided to ignore it. Whatever he was doing, it didn't seem like something I could help with, or something that mattered at the moment. I needed to get home, and start cooking. So, I walked up to the cheese, picked a good looking block, and started to reach for it.

*Thwack*

"Ow! That hurt! What the....?!?" There was a wide piece of cheese.... honestly, it looked like a sword made of cheese, and the flat of the blade was across my wrist. Seriously. My eyes follow the blade up, to the hand of the guy holding it. The guy who was standing earlier, doing nothing, was now holding the blade, and was wearing a suit of armor that appeared to be the same color as his sword. What the hell?

"You can not have that," he says, "until you prove yourself."

OK, what is going on here? I do not want to deal with this. I just want to get some cheese, not fight the orange knight. Seriously, what is this guy's deal?

"Defend yourself!" He charges at me, raising his sword. I panic, drop my basket, and run for it. Quickly, I run, past the meat counter, with him in pursuit. I cut down an aisle, and start looking for a weapon. I run by the knives; too much packaging, I won't be able to get them out. Round the corner, round the corner. I snag a laundry basket, it looks like I could use it as a shield. Plus, it makes a mess in the aisle, slowing him down. I keep running, round the corner, round the corner. BBQ lighters.... nah, too slow. It'll take too long to melt that much cheese.

Next aisle, I have an idea! I'll reduce his armor to hors d'oeuvres, by throwing toothpicks at him. So maybe it isn't the best idea, but it is an idea. Round the corner, start looking for the toothpicks. Round the corner, round the corner, there they are! I grab a box, and try to open it up. I lose a few, but most of them are still in my hands. Round the corner, round the corner. I take the bundle, wait for my target to round the corner after me, then give a throw. A hit! Little cubes of cheese, with toothpicks sticking out of them, fall to the ground. "Interesting" I say, noticing the cubes. "How did that work?"

He pauses a moment, looking at the damage, then raises his sword for another blow. Quickly, I move my laundry basket to block. *thwack* The sword strikes my basket, and I give a shove, throwing him off balance enough that I can turn and flee. Back on the run, I start looking for another weapon. Round the corner, round the corner. Crackers. Maybe I can make cheese slices by throwing these at him. I grab a box of Ritz, and tear into the package. I picked them because they were round, and I thought they might fly better. Tear open the sleeve, and start throwing small discs at him. Each hit peels a small slice of cheese from his side, landing neatly on top of the cracker behind him. I quickly run out of ammo, I guess I should have grabbed the bigger box. But his armor now had many gaps, and its color had faded white.... I guess he was armored in Swiss now. But anyway, round the corner, round the corner. Time for a new weapon. What is the natural enemy of cheese? Round the corner, round the corner. Must focus, need a weapon. Round the corner, round the corner.

Finally, I hit the alcohol section. Wine! I grab a bottle, make the throw. The rest of his armor falls off, landing in slices next to the bottle. I spin around, charging in with my laundry basket-shield, bowling over my enemy, and knocking his sword from his hand. I reach for it, wrap my hand around the hilt, and feel.... cold plastic?

I feel the cold air on my arm, and I start to look around again. I see the cheese fridge, and I stand there grabbing the block, still holding my shopping basket, as though none of it had happened. I take the block and put it in my basket, turn away, walk past the man, who is still just standing there, not doing anything, and I head for the cashier. As I pass by him, he smiles at me, and speaks: "You've done well. The cheese you've earned will make a fine meal."

I move on, and head home. Like I said at the beginning, I really don't know what to say about it.